Saturday, April 12, 2008

Who is Vaneeza

The smell of cigarette on my fingers makes me want to smoke. Sometimes it's so strong I ta-- (pssst!) what? Vinnie? Oh! Right, yes. Vinnie. *Ahem*

Who is Vinnie? What does she do? Why is she here? Who gave her that chicken karahi? Where can I get that chicken karahi?


Look how happy she looks. Seriously, where can I get some of that karahi?

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Googly Woogly!

Doom is upon us! Run for cover! Banana fritters!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

buzz!

the latest is benny lava, check it out if you haven't already

Monday, February 26, 2007

In the News

"ISLAMABAD, Feb 25: A religious zealot scared journalists to death, and landed himself in police lock-up, by announcing at a press conference here on Sunday that he was going to blow himself up."

He didn't actually need to blow himself up, after all...

Also, sometimes when you read little snippets like this one it makes you smile. A little smugly. Ever so slightly.

Interestingly,
the Khalid Ishaque Wing of our library has at least six Mills & Boons, according to reliable sources. What a wonderful DIY guide for those long, boring hours spent studying books up there. Now you can land yourself the study-buddy of your choice (tall darkandhandsome... or average-looking and rather hairy), go through passionate hours of Econ305 being the worst course - and best bonding bitch session - ever and end up studying (with?) them instead.

Britney baby, one more time!
Britney is bald. It's official. Whoever said that blondes are stupid must now retract that statement and instead say that blondes are generally naturally stupid but some blondes are definitely brain-damaged due to drug and alcohol abuse and should not be allowed to check themselves out of rehab after a day, especially if they were once blonde but are now bald because of aforementioned brain-damage. (Oh, and they should also be kept away from electic/other razors.)
I realise it's quite a mouthful but if you're not Britney chances are you'll manage to say enough of it to claim membership to the subdivision of humanity that does not include formerly-blonde balds.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

TAs at LUMS

Genus Name: Treacherous
Species Name:
Animalus
Natural Habitat: wilderness of academic biome, faculty offices, T.A. room
Descent: Hybrid (mix between student and faculty)
Characteristics:
There are several T.A. species and many characeristics, but the most common feature of this species is its smugness. Endowed with unrestricted entry into the world of students as well as their teachers, it is inevitable that the T.A. will display a smug grin during most of its waking hours.

It has been observed by several behavioral analysts that the T.A. is most likely to travel with large brown envelopes containing papers to indicate their busy routine. However, it is important to note that the T.A. is of the Treacherous genus, and hence its occassional display of such busy-work is not to be taken seriously.

When a T.A. is sighted in the auditorium with students, it is normal for students to gauge the T.A.'s moods and to be-friend them through conversational means. This is to be avoided, as it aggravates the already pressured T.A. ego, which is known to be very thin and fragile in most species. Excessive aggravation may lead to an emission of lethal gaseous secretions that are invisible and odorless, but which may culminate into dreadful marks in the next quiz.
According to natural (LUMS) law, it is impossible for a T.A. to be the T.A. of a fellow T.A. If such a situation arises, one of the T.A.s is required to step down through the assistance of the T.A. co-ordinator. When such a situation arises however, it is observed that the T.A. displays its smug and treachery and continues to live life as it so desires.
During Exam season, the T.A. is likely to display adverse behavior. The reason for this is that the T.A. is required to conduct as well as sit through examinations. This requirement may confuse the T.A. and this confusion therefore results in adverse behavior.
A silent T.A. is a rare species. It is inherent in their nature to display extreme garulousness. Hence, this quality is rare and appreciated. The evidence of its lack is found in the T.A. room.

Essentials: It is essential that a T.A. be kept in a cool, dry environment in order to suppress its reactivity. It is also essential that a T.A. be be-petted. A pet T.A. is a valuable asset in the academic lifespan. It is essential that all facilities be provided to the T.A. to ensure its short-lived survival because most T.A.'s last only a time of 3 months (some last longer due to faculty be-petting). Overall, it is essential that during the transition of the student into the T.A. species, the T.A. retain its student status. This assists in the painful transition and ensures a safe survival, especially concerning the already pressured T.A. ego, which is known to be very thin and fragile in most species. Excessive aggravation may lead to an emission of lethal gaseous secretions that are invisible and odorless, but which may culminate into dreadful marks in the next quiz.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

the love lottery

February! Love! Valentine's! But let's start at the start shall we?

Februa is the Roman word for pure, or chaste. So February is, in essence, the month of ... well, there's no other way to put it. It's the month of virginity. (Or abstinence, if you answer 'yes' to Clint's most famous quesion, punk.)

And the 14th of February was originally a holiday to honour the Roman goddess of love and marriage, Juno "the Extremely Chaste Inde- Excuse Me? What Trojan? Oh You Mean That Trojan, Heh Heh, *No* Idea How it Got There, It's Those Blasted Greeks Crawling All Over the Place, and That Helen, What a Tramp!" Februa. What would happen is that these young men and women in Rome would pick names out of a lottery box in this very elaborate (and very public) ceremony and whoever's name they picked out they'd hook up with for the next year or so. Or longer if they fell in love (or were both terribly ugly, or freshies- who knows. But speaking of freshies, perhaps a ceremony like this at LUMS might just keep them out of *real* trouble...Hmmm).

Anyhow, possibly the challenge was for these very nubile, virile and energetic young Romans to keep their hands off each other till the month was over. At which point it may be propituous to recall that February is the shortest month of the year...

A picture of Juno. Although if you look very closely it says 'Hera Ludovisi' at the bottom. But I checked that out too and it's apparently a bust of Antonia Minor. Whoever it is it fits the whole 'lucky draw' theme...

And speaking of busts, Hashmi's got the bust of the above Australian fertility goddess in his office. What you don't know is that Hashmi's got the bust of the above Australian fertility goddess... (It isn't called Victoria's Biggest Bloody Secret for nothing, mate ;)

Anyhow, the evil and villainous Emperor Claudius II (yes he was both evil and villainous, and yes that is quite an achievement. Did you think just anyone could get up and be Emperor?) decided to put a stop to all this nancy-shmancy neck-romancy because he needed more men for his armies. Clearly men with wives or lovers are less willing to leave their behin- them behind. So Emperor Claudius II banned all marriages in Rome. Cries of shock and awe all around.

Enter St. Valentine stage right. Apparently he helped to secretly arrange marriages just to spite Claudius. (When they were but young lads, Claudius and Valentine had the libidinal appetites of recently pubescent rhinos on hormone treatments. This of course led to a certain amount of competition between the two which the romantically christened Valentine usually tended to get the better of. *Gasp* that's your actual name? Ooooh. I've got Trojans. Claudius eventually got sick of it and decided to re-direct his energies into raising armies of celibate Romans in a really perverse attempt to invalidate his past. Valentine just went on like a hatchful of inebriated bunnies.)

So anyway Emperor Claudius found out about the secret marriages and had Valentine thrown in jail but did that stop old Valentine? You bet it did. It's not like being brilliant in bed gives you superpowers.... Well, you know what I mean.

But did being in jail stop old Valentine's libido? (And why do I keep calling him 'old' Valentine?) Hah! No it didn't. And it didn't stop the jailer's daughter either. However, old Valentine was hanged on the 14th of February, the day he wrote his last love-note to the jailer's daughter. ("Hey - happy my day! Have a blast kitten, and remember - can't take my eeeyyyyeesss offa you, can't take my miiiind offa you.") Oh, and apparently all of Valentine's supporters used to come and throw flowers and notes at him while he was in jail. They'd have thrown chocolate too but Claudius had the jailer put up a "Don't Feed the Prisoners" sign on the jail door.

And speaking of prisoners and food and inane signs, let's take a moment to reflect on this beautifully pasted warning on the PDC glass entrance...

And that, in a rather large, rambling nutshell, is the story of Valentine's Day. Mazel tov.


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

WOW! =p

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

bill clinton's found another skirt
lemony snicket's wrote another book
drowning, mine blasts, copter crashes and bombs at funerals are killing people everywhere you turn your head (stop turning stop turning) and yesterday was jinnah's death anniversary and all we knew was 9-11. it must have been the paki's wot did it, it must have been, cuz they picked this date...
(there's a 9-11 comic book!)
well now we know better. we know better than to fling poopie, we know better than to have poopie flung at us. we know bugti escaped out his cave from the backdoor, and went straight to laden's cave next door and now they're both huddling together exchanging notes on beard conditioner...
we know there's more military in the Turd World all put together than in the Faust World and that a new kind of perverse reverse curry and sheesha take-over has begun, schumacher retired after a career that spanned my whole lifetime and more, and that aimlessly walking with another person is somehow never really that aimless...
and here we all are on a subway, turning our heads to look for terrorists. or here we all are at anarkali, alert and wary for little pincher-claws on the prowl...


Wednesday, August 09, 2006

"Scheduled outage at 4:00pm PDT" says blog

Sounds a bit like people protesting outside offices... "Scheduled outrage at 4:00pm takes PDT building by storm."

Anyway - I believe the monkey can now get drunk on narcissism. Brilliant! (Plus it's a great excuse to use when caught picking your nose or flinging poopie at people: "What? I planned and succesfully executed in cold blood a devious scheme to drown your girlfriend in poopie and make it look like an accident? Well of course I was drunk you hair-brained fairy, why do you think I got caught?" =)

Bottoms up peepholes!



[Additionally: the ancient art of the drunk monkey, very sniggerable]

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

what happens when you google "monkey news"


Makes me wonder- possibly Kate/Jane/Emma/Who-Cares-About-the-Broad's-Name-Anyway would have done a lot more than just scream... Possibly she'd have dropped dead with fright the very first instance she laid eyes on old PingPon- sorry, King Kong. Stands to reason...
Briggs got it just right :) Irreverent, pointless and occasionally entertaining.
And randomly, women frequent the shoot-em-up, knock-em-down (or the other way around) bars in China more than the men. And they tend to be "those working in karaoke bars and massage parlors." (I suppose the stress at a massage parlour drives you to smash dishes and pummel young men at restaurants quite regularly.) I do remember the pillow shaped like a woman's lap that Japan came out with a few years back. There must be some connection. There's just got to be...
P.S. The sound system is shot. The music is gone. The monkey's lost the groove, left the swing. HELP!!!

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