the monkey

Who is Vaneeza

2008-04-12T17:12:00.003+05:00

The smell of cigarette on my fingers makes me want to smoke. Sometimes it's so strong I ta-- (pssst!) what? Vinnie? Oh! Right, yes. Vinnie. *Ahem*

Who is Vinnie? What does she do? Why is she here? Who gave her that chicken karahi? Where can I get that chicken karahi?

Look how happy she looks. Seriously, where can I get some of that karahi?

Googly Woogly!

2007-11-04T02:10:00.001+05:00

Doom is upon us! Run for cover! Banana fritters!

buzz!

2007-10-21T23:58:00.000+05:00

the latest is benny lava, check it out if you haven't already

In the News

2007-02-26T12:55:00.000+05:00

"ISLAMABAD, Feb 25: A religious zealot scared journalists to death, and landed himself in police lock-up, by announcing at a press conference here on Sunday that he was going to blow himself up."

He didn't actually need to blow himself up, after all...

Also, sometimes when you read little snippets like this one it makes you smile. A little smugly. Ever so slightly.

Interestingly, the Khalid Ishaque Wing of our library has at least six Mills & Boons, according to reliable sources. What a wonderful DIY guide for those long, boring hours spent studying books up there. Now you can land yourself the study-buddy of your choice (tall darkandhandsome... or average-looking and rather hairy), go through passionate hours of Econ305 being the worst course - and best bonding bitch session - ever and end up studying (with?) them instead.

Britney baby, one more time! Britney is bald. It's official. Whoever said that blondes are stupid must now retract that statement and instead say that blondes are generally naturally stupid but some blondes are definitely brain-damaged due to drug and alcohol abuse and should not be allowed to check themselves out of rehab after a day, especially if they were once blonde but are now bald because of aforementioned brain-damage. (Oh, and they should also be kept away from electic/other razors.)

I realise it's quite a mouthful but if you're not Britney chances are you'll manage to say enough of it to claim membership to the subdivision of humanity that does not include formerly-blonde balds.

TAs at LUMS

2007-02-21T15:43:00.000+05:00

Genus Name: Treacherous
Species Name: Animalus
Natural Habitat: wilderness of academic biome, faculty offices, T.A. room
Descent: Hybrid (mix between student and faculty)
Characteristics: There are several T.A. species and many characeristics, but the most common feature of this species is its smugness. Endowed with unrestricted entry into the world of students as well as their teachers, it is inevitable that the T.A. will display a smug grin during most of its waking hours.

It has been observed by several behavioral analysts that the T.A. is most likely to travel with large brown envelopes containing papers to indicate their busy routine. However, it is important to note that the T.A. is of the Treacherous genus, and hence its occassional display of such busy-work is not to be taken seriously.

When a T.A. is sighted in the auditorium with students, it is normal for students to gauge the T.A.'s moods and to be-friend them through conversational means. This is to be avoided, as it aggravates the already pressured T.A. ego, which is known to be very thin and fragile in most species. Excessive aggravation may lead to an emission of lethal gaseous secretions that are invisible and odorless, but which may culminate into dreadful marks in the next quiz.

According to natural (LUMS) law, it is impossible for a T.A. to be the T.A. of a fellow T.A. If such a situation arises, one of the T.A.s is required to step down through the assistance of the T.A. co-ordinator. When such a situation arises however, it is observed that the T.A. displays its smug and treachery and continues to live life as it so desires.

During Exam season, the T.A. is likely to display adverse behavior. The reason for this is that the T.A. is required to conduct as well as sit through examinations. This requirement may confuse the T.A. and this confusion therefore results in adverse behavior.

A silent T.A. is a rare species. It is inherent in their nature to display extreme garulousness. Hence, this quality is rare and appreciated. The evidence of its lack is found in the T.A. room.

Essentials: It is essential that a T.A. be kept in a cool, dry environment in order to suppress its reactivity. It is also essential that a T.A. be be-petted. A pet T.A. is a valuable asset in the academic lifespan. It is essential that all facilities be provided to the T.A. to ensure its short-lived survival because most T.A.'s last only a time of 3 months (some last longer due to faculty be-petting). Overall, it is essential that during the transition of the student into the T.A. species, the T.A. retain its student status. This assists in the painful transition and ensures a safe survival, especially concerning the already pressured T.A. ego, which is known to be very thin and fragile in most species. Excessive aggravation may lead to an emission of lethal gaseous secretions that are invisible and odorless, but which may culminate into dreadful marks in the next quiz.

the love lottery

2007-02-15T15:18:00.003+05:00

February! Love! Valentine's! But let's start at the start shall we?

Februa is the Roman word for pure, or chaste. So February is, in essence, the month of ... well, there's no other way to put it. It's the month of virginity. (Or abstinence, if you answer 'yes' to Clint's most famous quesion, punk.)

And the 14th of February was originally a holiday to honour the Roman goddess of love and marriage, Juno "the Extremely Chaste Inde- Excuse Me? What Trojan? Oh You Mean That Trojan, Heh Heh, *No* Idea How it Got There, It's Those Blasted Greeks Crawling All Over the Place, and That Helen, What a Tramp!" Februa. What would happen is that these young men and women in Rome would pick names out of a lottery box in this very elaborate (and very public) ceremony and whoever's name they picked out they'd hook up with for the next year or so. Or longer if they fell in love (or were both terribly ugly, or freshies- who knows. But speaking of freshies, perhaps a ceremony like this at LUMS might just keep them out of *real* trouble...Hmmm).

Anyhow, possibly the challenge was for these very nubile, virile and energetic young Romans to keep their hands off each other till the month was over. At which point it may be propituous to recall that February is the shortest month of the year...

A picture of Juno. Although if you look very closely it says 'Hera Ludovisi' at the bottom. But I checked that out too and it's apparently a bust of Antonia Minor. Whoever it is it fits the whole 'lucky draw' theme...

And speaking of busts, Hashmi's got the bust of the above Australian fertility goddess in his office. What you don't know is that Hashmi's got the bust of the above Australian fertility goddess... (It isn't called Victoria's Biggest Bloody Secret for nothing, mate ;)

Anyhow, the evil and villainous Emperor Claudius II (yes he was both evil and villainous, and yes that is quite an achievement. Did you think just anyone could get up and be Emperor?) decided to put a stop to all this nancy-shmancy neck-romancy because he needed more men for his armies. Clearly men with wives or lovers are less willing to leave their behin- them behind. So Emperor Claudius II banned all marriages in Rome. Cries of shock and awe all around.

Enter St. Valentine stage right. Apparently he helped to secretly arrange marriages just to spite Claudius. (When they were but young lads, Claudius and Valentine had the libidinal appetites of recently pubescent rhinos on hormone treatments. This of course led to a certain amount of competition between the two which the romantically christened Valentine usually tended to get the better of. *Gasp* that's your actual name? Ooooh. I've got Trojans. Claudius eventually got sick of it and decided to re-direct his energies into raising armies of celibate Romans in a really perverse attempt to invalidate his past. Valentine just went on like a hatchful of inebriated bunnies.)

So anyway Emperor Claudius found out about the secret marriages and had Valentine thrown in jail but did that stop old Valentine? You bet it did. It's not like being brilliant in bed gives you superpowers.... Well, you know what I mean.

But did being in jail stop old Valentine's libido? (And why do I keep calling him 'old' Valentine?) Hah! No it didn't. And it didn't stop the jailer's daughter either. However, old Valentine was hanged on the 14th of February, the day he wrote his last love-note to the jailer's daughter. ("Hey - happy my day! Have a blast kitten, and remember - can't take my eeeyyyyeesss offa you, can't take my miiiind offa you.") Oh, and apparently all of Valentine's supporters used to come and throw flowers and notes at him while he was in jail. They'd have thrown chocolate too but Claudius had the jailer put up a "Don't Feed the Prisoners" sign on the jail door.

And speaking of prisoners and food and inane signs, let's take a moment to reflect on this beautifully pasted warning on the PDC glass entrance...

And that, in a rather large, rambling nutshell, is the story of Valentine's Day. Mazel tov.

2006-09-13T21:41:00.000+05:00

WOW! =p

2006-09-12T11:03:00.000+05:00

bill clinton's found another skirt

lemony snicket's wrote another book

drowning, mine blasts, copter crashes and bombs at funerals are killing people everywhere you turn your head (stop turning stop turning) and yesterday was jinnah's death anniversary and all we knew was 9-11. it must have been the paki's wot did it, it must have been, cuz they picked this date...

(there's a 9-11 comic book!)

well now we know better. we know better than to fling poopie, we know better than to have poopie flung at us. we know bugti escaped out his cave from the backdoor, and went straight to laden's cave next door and now they're both huddling together exchanging notes on beard conditioner...

we know there's more military in the Turd World all put together than in the Faust World and that a new kind of perverse reverse curry and sheesha take-over has begun, schumacher retired after a career that spanned my whole lifetime and more, and that aimlessly walking with another person is somehow never really that aimless...

and here we all are on a subway, turning our heads to look for terrorists. or here we all are at anarkali, alert and wary for little pincher-claws on the prowl...

"Scheduled outage at 4:00pm PDT" says blog

2006-08-09T13:59:00.000+05:00

Sounds a bit like people protesting outside offices... "Scheduled outrage at 4:00pm takes PDT building by storm."

Anyway - I believe the monkey can now get drunk on narcissism. Brilliant! (Plus it's a great excuse to use when caught picking your nose or flinging poopie at people: "What? I planned and succesfully executed in cold blood a devious scheme to drown your girlfriend in poopie and make it look like an accident? Well of course I was drunk you hair-brained fairy, why do you think I got caught?" =)

Bottoms up peepholes!

[Additionally: the ancient art of the drunk monkey, very sniggerable]

what happens when you google "monkey news"

2006-08-08T17:58:00.000+05:00

Makes me wonder- possibly Kate/Jane/Emma/Who-Cares-About-the-Broad's-Name-Anyway would have done a lot more than just scream... Possibly she'd have dropped dead with fright the very first instance she laid eyes on old PingPon- sorry, King Kong. Stands to reason...

Briggs got it just right :) Irreverent, pointless and occasionally entertaining.

And randomly, women frequent the shoot-em-up, knock-em-down (or the other way around) bars in China more than the men. And they tend to be "those working in karaoke bars and massage parlors." (I suppose the stress at a massage parlour drives you to smash dishes and pummel young men at restaurants quite regularly.) I do remember the pillow shaped like a woman's lap that Japan came out with a few years back. There must be some connection. There's just got to be...

P.S. The sound system is shot. The music is gone. The monkey's lost the groove, left the swing. HELP!!!

Einstein Owes Me!!

2006-07-31T23:34:00.000+05:00

Hah! Turns out the monkey has played no small part in helping Einstein form his theory of General Relativity. Shooting the monkey is much like the Weight of an African Swallow theory to be found here, although possibly it makes a bit less sense on the whole. But heck, those brave and stupid monkeys gave their lives to further the cause of General Relativity and his second-in-command, General Motors. There was also a Major Payne and a Corporal Punishment but some riotous proto-apes mooned and farted at them till they died of assfixation. In any case, this post is solely to honour the lives of those long-tailed chitterers, and recognise the debt Einstein owes to them. *Salute*

super normal

2006-06-14T23:25:00.000+05:00

I know it's just cutlery but - it's smooth cutlery. It's cutlery that drives a convertible wearing Raybans on its day off.

It's cutlery that gets the tomatoes blushing and the salad un-dressing. It's wicked cutlery.

A fork like that would beat your eggs senseless and whip your cream to butter without breaking into a sweat. And enjoy every minute of it.

That knife would get the fork smashed, charm the tines off the fork's wife and then take her to bed.

And the spoon...Well, the spoon just wants it hot and sweet and you better believe he can stir it up.

Start here, and the rest falls into place. It's all about being super normal. About being so normal and convenient and handy (so taken for granted) that life without it is empty and impossible to imagine. And almost impossible to cope with once that happens.

That is why the monkey swings from one branch to another - to jive is to live.

And this is just ... delicious.
It is absolutely the most adorable ta-ra-ra-boom-de-box I have ever seen.

The monkey lusts...

The monkey listens to the krishna raga and ... still lusts :!

The monkey is the original sultan of swing.

Catch you mowgli-lovers later...!

probing the proboscis

2006-06-13T12:29:00.000+05:00

This is really getting out of hand. The more I read up on the Proboscis monkey the more I'm convinced it's just a really hairy human.

The males are usually bigger than the females.
The males have potbellies and bigger noses.
The bigger the nose, the sexier the monkey.
The females have small, pointy, upturned noses.
They carry their babies on the hips, and live in harems of about half a dozen females to one male.
They swim and they walk (for extended periods of time).

(Native Borneans called it the Dutch Monkey, because - harhar - the Dutch settlers who "settled" in Borneo looked so much like it with their big noses, hairy bodies and pot bellies. Hmmm...)

And babies are born with vividly blue faces. Which is not at all like human babies.

But heck, they look so human with those noses...

you n me baby ain't nothin' but mammal so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel...

monkey chow

2006-06-12T22:57:00.000+05:00

i was reading up on freakonomics and somehow or the other i landed up on this page on monkey chow. these are pellets of nutrition fed to monkeys and puppies, as far as i could make out.

it seems humans can't survive too happily on it (read this guy's page), so i would recommend feeding your puppy (and your monkey!) food with bigger-than-goat-shit dimensions.

honourable mention :)

2006-06-12T15:14:00.002+05:00

"Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun)."

-Eddie Izzard

We are a rifle-wielding, ass-kicking, tree-hugging, Mozart-bashing, banana-peeling, nose-picking, baby-spiking hump-humping monkey!!! =D Love us, love us! For we are the object of Foucualt's affections. *Muah*

issue 00005 add-in-dumdums

2006-02-02T13:04:00.000+05:00

PART I

- HAH! See how my super-sticky spit swings my mouthguard around like a dangerous weapon!

- You sick dastard*! This one's for my knight!

*the monkey can't really encourage the use of terribly bad words like 'bastard'. ... Oops.

- Arrrr!! Bring it on girlfriend!

- Errrr...a transvesditz pirate boxer? Let's move on to the next image, toot sweet...

PART II

They sat in the deepening gloom, neither aware of the other's presence. Until...

"Frank! That's terrible - I thought you were taking Buscopen for it."

"Yeah m'wife took me off it, said I was starting to sound like Norah Jones and she prefers a more bass sort of sound y'know..."

we're not entirely sure what to make of it, but how about introducing chessboxing to our university? we've already a ton of sports, what's one more?
let us know what you think - say something (bob marley style)

also, it's the michigan j frog page! he's this cool green little frog from this Disney cartoon called One Froggy Evening and he sings this song what goes something like hello my baby, hello my darlin', hello my ragtime girl! send me a kiss by wire...
(you can also download some cool disney, wb, looney tunes etc stuff from here)

and this guy, Ashtar, finds Michigan J Frog rather amusing as well. which is cool because Ashtar also plays the didgeridoo which the monkey was researching coupla weeks back and the didgeridoo is probably the world's oldest wind instrument (bet i could think of an older one hurhur:) and it looks something like this:

Apart from that we have no idea who this Ashtar guy is except that he's Mexican or some such and he's not single.
But this didgeridoo business is cool. Just saying didgeridoo is so satisfying. Dijridoo. Didgeridoo do do, da da da (Australian Fuzz:) or didgeridoo be do be do...

And on that note (B#) you can play a few different melodies with harmony in F. If you try really hard. Probably.

What goes around...goes around again

2005-11-01T18:47:00.000+05:00

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry and Liverpool wins another European crown.... someone please warn the Australian cricket side and the Pope!

The Freshiness of Youth

2005-10-30T20:11:00.000+05:00

From the onset of puberty, mankind has had the urge to unleash his prowess and intellectual powers at the world at large. Dreams are ornamented with wild manufactured colors (courtesy Crayola), inspiration runs galore from the television screen, and voices shout out slogans of freedom (courtesy Oprah). Experimentation becomes the mechanism through which to achieve a confused state of utopia where all is peaceful. Dreams, as feeble as they may be, form the foundation of all actions.

These dreams are given a face in college. Freshman year is full of the opportunities that mankind seeks in the avenues of intellectuality, popularity and, of course, womankind. There are also those who aspire perhaps to higher aims such as achieving computer literacy (courtesy the Course Registration System), attaining a grasp on topography (courtesy the Academic Block), the art of elocution and parliamentary debating (courtesy PCO), the ability to successfully use the digestive system (courtesy PDC), and of course the art of deciphering acronyms (CS, SS, TA, LJ, LA etc). Through the trials of Freshman Year, the human being is able to attain a higher state of knowing and is hence graced with the knowledge essential to see him/her through the remaining dream. When the dust settles at the demise of the battles with the various forces at LUMS, the frail human freshman is at the horizon of even more possibilities, only, now there are (hopefully) clearer directions in which to tread. No matter what the human being faces towards the end of his reign, the freshman continues to live; dormant within the youth that has seen its demise with time.

(Written by a former freshman, now an SS Uzi. There's hope for you guys yet;)

Image taken from http://www.toothpastefordinner.com

cussing

2005-10-27T11:56:00.000+05:00

so if you go here you can learn how to say your usual cuss words in different languages. spiffy.

(hey, it's bound to appeal to someone somewhere. bound to...)

update: check out the babelfish butcher to completely hack up cusswords and create new ones. they are thus stupid.

Indie Games

2005-10-02T12:37:00.002+05:00

From wired.com

T minus 5

2005-09-29T01:10:00.000+05:00

I write this now. It tickles; an odd way for writer’s block to rear its pretty pixie head. Hip-hop is running in the back-ground. More rap, less hop. I wonder what this will turn out to be in the end. A disjointed conversation with myself? A rambling account of an infinitely small slice of my life? No matter. At least I’m writing. A class looms on the temporal horizon. I stop and ponder over the last sentence. Big words. An argument, once upon a time, with someone over that subject quickly devolved into repeated references to parts of the anatomy which shall remain nameless. I will not go to that class. That is decided. And I feel relieved for having done so. The light f l i c k e r s. I look at it. It reminds me of something that happened once, long ago. The slightest hint of a tremor in my left hand I quickly banish by running my right over it. The song just changed. It is no longer an Afro-American relating his life story, propensity to stand in a somewhat skewered manner and sexual preferences in raw, explicit and savagely stupid (for those who expected poetic – hit yourself on the head – I did ) language. The repetitive beat of trance music is very appealing. Concentrate hard enough while listening and it can give credo to its name. I’m losing the plot. A smile as I remember there never was one. It is closer to my class now. The intervals between which I look at the clock are becoming shorter. I look at it again. Involuntarily. I am not going to that class. The re-affirmation is weak. The maelstrom inside is strong. Very soon it will run rampant. Like a pretty free-spirited, half-insane maiden who runs naked in the moon-light on a hillock just because she can – laughing in crazy abandon. It is a pleasant thought. For some reason, I can almost feel the tufts of grass under my feet. No. I just remember it. “Inject more humour!” something screams within me. Ahh yes. The deep-rooted need to make light of everything. Well I will not satisfy it here; perhaps because I can’t. I can’t write anymore. The pixie has won. It still tickles.
Damn.

-Ganja

2005-04-02T19:18:00.000+05:00

haha:)

the monkey

2005-02-15T11:50:00.000+05:00

LUMS needs a "Newsletter." So far what we've got, i.e. the monkey, is a start but it's not anywhere close to fulfilling its potential. There's a lot of room for this to grow, and eventually be worth the ten bucks it costs! ;) Read on to find out how you can get involved.

There's plenty of stuff a newsletter should include, especially if it's every two weeks - and for that the monkey needs YOU!

We need regular write-ups on:

Anything to do with LUMS, upcoming events etc.
Anything to do with Lahore/Pakistan that would be relevant to the students here.
The strange things going on in the world.
The strange faculty going on (and on and on) at LUMS.
Anecdotes about students/instructors at LUMS (with their permission).
Generally anything wacky, off-beat.
Poems, short (short) stories.
Surveys, interviews, opinion pieces.
Controversies, debates, the inside scoop.

Possible payment for articles negotiable!
(Pleast note: We at the monkey do not endorse corporate capitalism DIE MCDONALDS DIE such as payment for articles, but if we did it would be negotiable.)

There are several positions open on the monkey team.
Reporters
Journalists
Co editors
Assistant editors (difference between this and co-editor? no idea...)
Cartoonists
Advisors
Consultants
Publicity reps
Spokespersons
Designer
Managers
Womanagers
Secretaries
Accountants
Cooks
Tailors
Waitresses......hang on a minute - I think I may have overdone this a bit. Lemme think...
Yeah okay...we don't need the accountant.

Write to monkeypress@gmail.com to apply for whatever position you think your face would be most suited to. If you can actually do the job that's even better. We will take your interview, your time, your bananas and anything else we can snatch off you while you're looking at the totally cool monkey logo below (which was also snatched off some site on the internet muahaha)